Comedy Stories

Texting After a Funeral


“It’s over. ⚰️ That’s all that matters.”

“C’mon. Don’t be that way.” 🙄

“What way?”

“The way you always are ☣️—who you always are.”

“All right. ❓ Who would you like me to be?”

“Be happy . . .” 😊

“You want me to be happy? Fine. ✨magic✨Ta da! I’m happy.”

“Feels good, doesn’t it?”

“Yes. 🙅I love living in absolute denial.”

“Oh, stop. ☑ It’s a choice to be happy.”

“No, it’s a choice not to murder 🔪 you right now.”

“C’mon. At least admit the ⚱️ funeral home did a great job with mom’s, uh, unusual requests.”

“The funeral home charged an arm and a leg—to literally bury an arm 💪 and a leg🦵.”

“That was what mom wanted! 🔥 🔥 🔥 A partial cremation.”

“No one—NO ONE—wants a partial cremation. 😱 What she requested was a 🪓partial mutilation.”

“She did it to demonstrate her lifelong suppression by the 🚹 patriarchy.”

“She did it 🤪 to symbolize how she could have been the spokesbird for Cocoa Puffs.”

“Our mother was—bold.”

“Our mother 😵 was crazy.”

“Our mother 🦚 was unique.”

“Our mother was a wackadoodle.”

“Our mother was a 🦄 visionary . . . she modeled her entire life to show us an unrestrained way of living out loud. 📣”

“For crying out loud . . . that woman—🦹‍♀️”

“THAT woman taught you your 🔤 ABC’s.

“THAT woman was the entire personality disorder spectrum . . . Cluster A and B and C.”

“If you had just a smidgeon of 🙏🏻 gratitude—”

“Gratitude for what? 👩‍👧Becoming your de facto mother at seven years old?”

“And you did a good job.”

“I didn’t have a choice. Your diapers 🧷 weren’t going to change themselves.”

“Just think of all the transferable skills 🚙 you learned from that young age.”

“Like dialing 911 🚨 when our mother didn’t come home for days?”

“Adaptability skills.”

“Like lying to social workers?”

“Communication skills.”

“Like making meals with only powdered milk, tuna fish 🐟, and macaroni?”

“Creativity and critical thinking.”

“Like dealing with chronic abandonment🏃🏼‍♀️💨 ?”

“She never abandoned us. Mom went on her walkabouts. 🚶‍♀️She needed to commune with nature—and herself.”

“She communed with whomever was at the 🥳 🍷 Package Store.”

“Look, she always managed to provide 💰 for us.”

“She always managed to disappoint us. 💔 In all ways. Every day.”

“Say what you will. I loved her.”

“You loved the 🔮 idea of her.”

“And you love to 💔 vilify her.”

“It’s easy to do. The woman was a menace. 👵 If grandma hadn’t rescued us—”

“Grandma was boring.”

“Having 🍔 food in the house and 👕 clean clothes to wear was not boring.”

“Grandma always yelled at me.”

“Grandma taught you how to brush your teeth 🦷 and clean your room.”

“Grandma was strict.”

“Mom was chaos.”

“Grandma didn’t like 😢 me.”

“Grandma didn’t like that you 👹 weren’t civilized.”

“Well, I miss mom.”

“You miss the madness.”

“I miss mom’s ⛺ camping trips.”

“Camping 🏞️ at the beginning of every month—just when the 💸 rent was due.”

“I miss her walking us to 🏫 school.”

“Schools. She walked us to each one of the nine 🏫🏫🏫🏫🏫🏫🏫🏫🏫schools we attended.”

“We learned how to make 🤝 friends—immediately.”

“I learned how to contact the 🚸 social services worker—immediately.”

“I liked when Mom played the secret agent game 🕵🏻‍♂️ with us at the store.”

“The secret agent game 😲 was her way of shoplifting.”

“You take that back!”

“ 🛒That’s exactly what the store managers would say when they caught you with a pack of ground chuck 🐄 tucked in your sweatshirt.”

“Mom did the best she could—under the circumstances.”

“You mean under the ☯️ consequences—the consequences of her insane actions.”

“Well, I liked her memorial service. 🏔 The Mongolian throat singer 🎶 lent a mystical touch.”

“The Mongolian throat singer was neither a Mongolian nor a singer. She did have a throat, though, but that’s about it.”

“She said she was an old friend of mom’s—from school.”

“The singer worked at the CVS pharmacy by mom’s apartment before she was arrested for selling oxycontin 💊 under the counter. That’s how mom knew her.”

“You mean, mom didn’t know her 🎓 from college?”

“Mom didn’t go to college.”


“We just told you that mom was away at college 👮 while she did a short stint.”

“Mom went to ⛓ prison?”

“State prison. Right before she founded her ⛪ church.”

“Mom knew people—from jail?”

“Who do you think were her first parishioners?”

“Those women at her church 🕊️ were CONVICTS?”

“And hustlers.”

“Sister Angela? 👼 Sister Malory? 👼”

“⚔️☠️ Breaking and entering. 👊🏻 💥 Assault and battery. Respectively.”

“They were so nice.”

“They’re still nice. They’re still criminals, but they are still nice.”

“I have such fond memories of mom’s ✝️ church . . .”

“Didn’t you ever wonder why it shut down 🚓 during the middle of a service?”

“Mom said she was too overcome by the 👻 Spirit.”

“She was overcome by an arrest warrant for selling 🧴 Miracle Holy Water.”

“Oh, I remember that. Sister Ginny sold it out of her car.”

“That was the least problematic aspect 💰🏃‍♂️🏠 of mom’s marketing plan.”

“Well, mom did have some 👾 👾 👾 interesting friends.”

“I think you misspelled unemployed.”

“At least they were colorful.”

“Colorful 👨‍⚖️⚖️ like her memorial service.”

“Personally, I’m glad everyone honored her request.”

“The request that everyone dress in chartreuse and marigold?”

“Those were her favorite colors.”

“Those are two of the ugliest colors. 🎨 Especially together.”

“I thought everyone looked nice.”

“Everyone looked like a 📸 Kodachrome photograph from 1971.”

“At least there was plenty of food 😋 at the buffet afterwards.”

“That’s because no one would 🤮 eat it.”

“Mom left specific instructions and recipes . . .”

“Mom’s tastes peaked fifty years ago. 💩 In all areas, but especially food.”

“Well, I still like 🍍 canned pineapple.”

“As a species, we have evolved past casseroles 🥘 made with Campbell’s 🍄 mushroom soup.”

“C’mon. Tell me the Hamburger Helper did not transport you back to our 👧 👧🏼 childhood.”

“It transported 🧂 900 milligrams of sodium into my bloodstream.”

“The fondue was fun. When was the last time you ate fondue?”

“The last time I got food poisoning. Communal vats of 🧀 cheese have been over for decades.”

“Mom requested some healthy options. 🥗 There were some salads.”

“Salads made with Cool Whip are not salads.”

“And remember mom’s punch bowl? 🥃🍻🍷🥂🍸🍾I’m glad we could put it to good use.”

“Yes, nothing says vaya con dios like a 🥴 🥴 🥴 concoction of ginger ale, lime sherbet, and alcohol.”

“You loved 💗 mom.”

“I did love 💗 mom.”

“Thanks for not letting me die ⚰️ during childhood.”

“And I love you, 💕 too.”

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