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Comedy Stories

Florida Man

Miami

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“Well, that was dramatic.”

“You know the drill. We had to put a hood on you. It’s better you don’t know where you are.”

“You could have just beaten me up on the street.”

“Where’s the fun in that? Now, look Ricky, we’re tired of waiting for our money.”

“I got your money . . . it’s just tied up.”

“No, you are tied up. Hit him again.”

“That’s not necessary—Oof!”

“C’mon, Ricky. Don’t make us mess up your pretty face. Well, maybe it’s not so pretty anymore, and maybe your girlfriend won’t like you as much anymore.”

“Keep my girlfriend’s name out of your mouth.”

“Don’t you worry about my mouth. You need to worry about your own, and if you’ll leave here with any teeth left. But I’m sure you can find yourself a good dentist in Magic City.”

“You know, I’ve always wanted veneers.”

“Hit him again.”

“No wait—DAMMIT. That’s a crown! You know how expensive crowns are to replace?”

“Miguel will take out your front teeth next. Both in one jab. Pop!”

“I’m sure he could, and I’ll get your money. Are we done here?”

“You know, Ricky, you look a little bloated. Maybe too much inflammation. My wife has me taking turmeric or some yellow powdery shit to stop inflammation. Swelling is apparently the root of all the evils for men my age. Of course, my girlfriend has me taking Cialis, but that’s a whole other story.”

“That’s a whole other swelling problem.”

“Funny guy. I should get Miguel to hit you again, but I’m going to steal your joke.”

“Tell you what. I’ll give you the joke. Let’s just call it even.”

“Just get the money and bring it to Pensacola. You have a week.”

Orlando

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“How do I look, Ricky?”

“Like a sexy, overworked Disney employee. Where’d you get these uniforms?”

“Goodwill. They have loads of them.”

“And name badges? Why are we both CHRIS from Orlando?”

“It’s the default ID badge for Disney Cast Members when they forget to wear their own. Ricky, there wasn’t a lot of choice on eBay. I did the best I could.”

“You did great.”

“I did really great. I even managed to extract two blue employee passes, so we can get through the cheese graters.”

“You rummage through some employees’ cars?”

“Didn’t need to. Just good ol’ fashioned pickpocketing.”

“Honey, we’re not going to have a lot of time.”

“Tell me the plan again.”

“We park near the employee exit, walk to the employee entrance, find our way to the Okapi enclosure, then take the baby.”

“What’s a baby Okapi weigh?”

“Like 35 pounds or something. It’s like a big toddler . . .”

“A toddler that looks like a cross between a zebra and a giraffe. How much are we getting for this kidnapping, anyway?”

“It’s not a kidnapping. It’s an animal exchange program, where we exchange a baby cud-chewing hoofed mammal for a crazy old man’s money.”

“Oh, that sounds much better.”

“There is no way this plan is going to work.”

“Exactly. It’s so incredibly stupid, it’s perfect.”

“You ready, CHRIS from Orlando?”

“I’m ready, CHRIS from Orlando.”

The Villages

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“Oh look at this bee-yoo-ti-ful creature. God had fun making this little guy (cough).”

“Thank you. My wife and I knew he would find a good home with you and your—uh, menagerie. You have quite a collection.”

“I must say I am very pleased (cough). Now, what was our agreement?”

“$10,000 upon delivery. Plus expenses.”

“Good, good. I usually keep that amount or so in the cookie jar here (cough). You want a cookie? There’s some Lorna Doone on the counter.”

“No thanks, we actually need to be on our way.”

“You can’t stay? You’d like the Villages. We can rent you a golf cart to get around. It’s karaoke and trivia night at Katie Belle’s residence club. I can get you in.”

“That sounds fantastic, but we’re expected in Tallahassee for the FSU game.”

“I understand. Sort of. I’m a Gator, so I can’t stomach the sight of you ‘Noles very much (cough).”

“Are you keeping the Okapi in a stable somewhere?”

“No, no (cough cough). We’ll just let him run around the condo here (cough). I’m sure I can get a leash and take him out on a few walks. I have some lady friends who might walk him for me. Heh heh (cough cough cough).”

“Beg your pardon—but you’re keeping the Okapi in your apartment?”

“It’s a three bedroom condo on the golf course. Plenty of room (cough). And he can graze on the 9th hole. There’s a bugger of sandtrap nearby, but, you know, if the Okapi can survive the Congo—”

“Then he can certainly survive central Florida. Looks like you’ve thought this through.”

“Son of a bitch (cough). The little bastard just took a dump on the parquet floor—you gonna clean that up?”

“I’m afraid, sir, our business transaction is complete. I hope you and your Okapi and your girlfriends all find joy in this lovely home.”

Tallahassee

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“I hate Tallahassee, Ricky.”

“It’s not that bad. The beer is cheap—and free, if you want to hit a frat party or two.”

“We’re about ten years too old for that. Let’s keep going west to Pensacola. I love the sugar white beaches, and you can pay off your debt.”

“We will probably spend the night here, once I cash out.”

“Here? Even shitty hotels here are $350 a night—they jack the rates for every damn football game. All the restaurants are packed with crazed alumni. Everybody is half naked and half drunk. I hate it here, Ricky. Let’s just go.”

“I need to meet a guy.”

“Ricky, you don’t need to meet a guy. You don’t need to bet on the FSU game. We have enough!”

“Honey, I’m doing a three-team parlay. The payout is at +300 or +400.”

“Ricky, I have no idea what that means.”

“Trust me?”

“Never.”

“Good girl.”

Pensacola

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“Now what, Ricky? We don’t even have money for coffee.”

“Dine and dash?”

“I can’t run in sandals. You should have told me your parlay went tits up last night, and I would have worn my running shoes. Or we could have done a little light shoplifting. The city is always in chaos for an hour or two after the game.”

“Honey, you wanted a steak and I wanted to buy you one.”

“A legitimate meal. And the tip you left was substantial.”

“I thought the girl earned it. She served up gin and tonics as quick as you.”

“You’re being modest—and reckless.”

“I have a plan.”

“Uh oh. I know that look.”

“It’s Sunday . . .”

“We’re going to rob a megachurch, aren’t we?”

“Render unto Caesar the things that are Caesar’s, and unto God the things that are God’s.”

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