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Dispatched

  “9-1-1. What is your emergency?” Casey moved to the edge of her chair, fully aware that all eyes in the Dispatch Center were on her. She struggled to focus on her first call, her mind ruminating on the “we-need-to-talk” text she sent Michael that morning. Her boyfriend had grown distant since starting classes at…

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Comedy Stories

Yogattabekiddingme

“So, what’s the catch?” “There is no catch. Cover my yoga class this evening, and I’ll pay you fifty bucks.” “But I’ve never taught a yoga class.” “Well, don’t let that stop you.” “I’ve never even been to a yoga class…” “And I’ve never gone out with Troy Henderson. Tonight will be a night of…

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Comedy Stories

The Less Things Change

Today’s the day you change. You mean it this time. Everything. You’re going to change every jot and tittle. You are unsure what a jot and tittle is—an expression your overly religious grandmother uses—but it seems like a good phrase to use today. You pull out your iPhone and google “jot and tittle” → [The…

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Comedy Stories

Honestly

“O Woman That I Used To Love, what should we get for dinner tonight?’’ “Honestly, my Greatest Disappointment? I don’t care.” “You do care. You want me to suggest a place to eat so you can shoot it down. Whatever I say, you will wrinkle your little nose like I decided that we should eat…

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Comedy Stories

But wait—there’s more!

Are you staring at your phone, waiting impatiently for a monosyllabic message from your mercurial lover to magically appear?Are you tired of sharing the intimate details of your life over cold nachos and watery margaritas with some bae from Bumble—only to be discarded three weeks later? Do you find yourself being a magnet for megalomaniacs,…

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Comedy Stories

Love & Flowcharts

“All right now, listen up. You cannot get two people to fall in love by shillyshallying. This is serious business. We’re talking about love—passionate love. The kind of love that eats away at you in the dark hours of the night. The kind of love that makes you crazy enough to hate. The kind of…

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Comedy Stories

How To Slash A Tire

Step One: Let some air out. “You have to depressurize the tire,” the older boy explains, pulling out his switchblade. With a flick of a button, a two-inch blade appears. My eyes grow wide—I have never seen anything like it. With a vulpine grin, he hands the knife to me to hold. I shake my…

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Comedy Stories

Hack

🏅 Your cursor blinks. Your cursor blinks ceaselessly. You delete ceaselessly. Adverbs are not your friend. Adverbs are indicative of weak diction, but you cannot think of a better verb to express the action just the way you want. Certainly you can use an adverb occasionally. You delete occasionally. You delete certainly. You can use…

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Comedy Stories

Down to One

“Are you there God? It’s me, God.” “Which one?” “What do you mean which one?” “That’s rather arrogant of you. There are 33 million Hindu gods, 28 Buddhas, and 12 Olympians. For all I know, you could be a talking totem pole. So don’t be a primadonna. Just narrow it down for me. Which god…